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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.