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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.