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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.