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Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.