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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?