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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.