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"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.