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Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
i hate that the sun comes up so early
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....