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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
How Big is Infinity?