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Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....