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Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical