Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.