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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.