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My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.