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I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
Facebook Poking Hours: Mon-Friday 7am-10pm Sat 12-11pm Sun Closed
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.