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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.