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Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?