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If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.