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Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.