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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.