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I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
someone took my mood ring away... dont know how i feel about it
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!