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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
I`m thinking of making a sax tape to make myself well known like some of the bad boys and girls do...does it matter if I can`t play it?