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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"