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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
We get it poets: things are like other things
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?