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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.