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My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.