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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
I should come with a warning label.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.