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If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.