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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.