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Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.