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Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.