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When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.