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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.