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i am not so think, as you drunk i am
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.