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2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.