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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?