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When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
Soup of the day: Tequila.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.