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Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.