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Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time