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I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.