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Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
I was born to be happy… not normal.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.