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A wise man once said nothing.
What a rip-off. I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.