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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.