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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards