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I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
There`s no WE in pizza.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.