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Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.