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Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”