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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
I was just told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what