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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
That moment when being uncool, is cool
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.