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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Save water- shower with me!
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats