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Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.