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I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
is in no shape to exercise
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.