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Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.