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If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.