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Partying on my level requires years of training.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.