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My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Mondays are middle finger approved
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.