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After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.