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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
This patience thing takes forever.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?