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I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook