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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
So many fun things to say ā¦ too many relatives on Facebook to post!
Iām not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.