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Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.