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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.