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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.