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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Breaking News: I took a bath today
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
You can`t be late until you show up
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool