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I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.