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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.