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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"