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The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?