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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?